Wednesday, March 11, 2020

Still Angry


I’m still angry
Don’t want to be
It’s made me into this person
That I don’t recognize
And suppose that others don’t either
My Joe was stripped of his life
Taken and returned
Back to the Master
The One whose hands I entrusted him
Still wonder
Was it part of His plan
All along
To give me a son to love
And to watch grow up
And grow through
So many growing pains
And life altering procedures
Only to die before his
Next phase of life
Was just beginning
Leaving me with only the memories
And the thoughts of what
Shoulda
Coulda
Woulda been
I’m still angry
Even find myself bitter
Sometimes
If I’m honest
As I look at who I am
And remember who I was
The smile, the joy,
The hope I so readily had
The encouragement so ready to share,
to give
Now replaced with
Unchartered feelings
And misinterpreted intentions
Leaving me in tears
Always
I’m still angry
Because of relationships that were so familiar
That have become past
tense
People, friends, who I once knew
And once knew me
Seemingly forgotten
My address,
my name,
my number
My existence.
Yep, I’m still angry
But not at the man who
killed my son-
The God that let him.

I know
you say
Wasn’t His fault
It was Joe’s time.
Each one of us are given a set time
On this thing called earth
A time for everything
The Psalmist said
A time to be born.
To plant.
To cry.
To laugh.
To speak.
To be silent.
To flourish.
To die.
Death has no name
Has no age
Seeks no appointment
It just comes
Unapologetic.
Yet I still can’t seem to wrap my head around it
As much as You try to explain it to me
Share with me
So I’m still angry.
But this,
This too shall pass
Because You said
There shall be glory
EVEN after this.
And in spite of my anger
I believe You

Still.


In the shadow of my grief,
Sis. E and Joe’s mom


Joseph Malik Fannell
January 14, 1993 – June 5, 2015