BUT GOD IS REAL: December 2015

Monday, December 14, 2015

Grief

Alone...

Somehow I keep finding myself there

Somehow I keep finding myself here

Left to listen to the sound of the drips

as the drops make their way down my cheek

I know I’ve cried before

Just never like this...

Didn’t ever think I would be able to actually hear the sound of a teardrop…

That is until you were gone.

And I was, (we are) left to continue without you

How can I remember to breathe

knowing that a life I breathed into this world

I could never hear breathe again?

Funny thing about grief

and losing a life (that you gave)

you never really know how it feels

until it comes upon you

Must be what God felt that day when He gave up His Son.

Didn’t really want to know… It was just a thought, I said.

Wasn’t meant to be answered

Wasn’t given an option

Take it or leave it wasn’t presented before me

I would have definitely left it

But things happen

…The grass withers, the flowers fade…

…For what is life? It is just a vapor that appears for a little time and then quickly vanishes away.

It’s weird being in this place.

It’s not a feel good place.

Walking in this valley of the shadow of death.

Alone, but not so much.

You’re there... but not there.

You’re here. But not REALLY.

“I AM,” I hear. Just in a different space.

“But not MY space.” I answer.

So I take a deep breath and I breathe again with the life I have…

The life I have yet to give, remembering

“Oh, Lord teach us to number our days…”

And I tenderly pick up the pieces of my brokenness

...alone, but alive.

You are STILL ALIVE. You’re still alive!

You said so poetically.

I go on with this never-ending look of sadness in my eyes,

Wiping away involuntary tears that don’t seem to know how to stop running…

on the inside.

And I no longer ask God the question, why

But don’t hesitate to ask Him, when

…until I see you again.

As I sit alone, (but not lonely),

in this place called grief.

For my Joe.

From Mom.

God's Peach

Evelyn Fannell has the true heart of a servant. She spends a great deal of her time assisting friends, family, and others with a variety of plans and projects, always seeking simply to be of help; always going the extra mile. A writer since her youth, in 2008 Evelyn created the blog, But God Is Real, inspired by real life situations and circumstances that speak to the “realness” of God and His intervention in daily life. After the death of her son, Joseph, Evelyn started another blog, In the Shadow of Grief, created to chronicle the emotions and stages of grief so that she could help others through their journey of pain and sorrow. Along with the blog, Evelyn also started a grief support group on Facebook, under the same name, where members can share with one another in a supportive, non-judgmental environment In her spare time, Evelyn enjoys jigsaw puzzles, photography, and planning and creating items for special events. She also serves as First Lady and administrator of her church, On Good Ground Christian Fellowship, now in Charlotte, North Carolina. In addition to Joseph, she and her husband, Jeff, have two daughters, Brandi and Jasmine, and a grandson, Christian.