Still learning to adjust to the death of my son Joseph, over
a year ago, and on the heels of the death of my mother-in-law, who we had been
praying would get better, I recently received some news about my brother. A report from the doctor had initially been
given my family about three years ago that he was diagnosed with a brain tumor
and that they would have to remove some tissue to see how far advanced it was. On and off meds, chemo treatments, medical
procedures, ups and downs, God had shown Himself faithful, because although my
brother had some very rough moments to say the least, he was still here and
still cognizant. I thank God for my
oldest brother and youngest sister who were with him, and are with him, daily
and tirelessly, to see and to make sure that he has everything he needs and to
make life as comfortable for him as it can be.
I know for a certainty that being a caretaker is far from being an easy
task and requires a great sacrifice.
Somehow when I was told that the doctors said my brother was
in stage four and that there was nothing else they could do for him, it had not
really hit me until I saw him. You see
the last time I had seen him was about two months ago and he was up and
talking, and I was able to take him grocery shopping and he was telling jokes
and talking about putting a puzzle together (you all know how much I love
puzzles and how that warmed my heart).
So when my family and I went to see him the day after Thanksgiving it
came as a shock for me to see him the way he was. And although he seemed totally oblivious to
who we were, he wasn’t, as he held my cheek, kissed me and smiled at us. It took everything inside of me not to break
down in that moment, in the presence of my girls, my grandson, my husband…
him. And I didn’t. We left shortly after that as he had grown
tired, and I felt like crying knowing that it could very well be the last time
I might see him again. But I held in the
tears again and just believed that all would be well, for that moment that I
had.
You see just two days earlier, a dear brother in the Lord at
our church, had just shared with us of how he had received a report from the
doctor that his wife may be undergoing kidney failure. His wife had a major stroke. She lost the use of her hands. She could not talk. She could not feed herself. She could barely walk. And in just a few years, we at the church,
have witnessed how God has raised her up.
How God has restored her health.
How she is talking, walking, using her hands, helping us out in the
ministry, with the back to school give-away, decorating. Our dear brother tells us how she cooks and
cleans and helps him in his business.
God has really done a miraculous work.
So when I heard this report after knowing what God did, it threw me for
a loop. How do you go from that to this
and then back to that? I asked. And then
when I saw my brother, it shook my faith to the core… Again.
An all too familiar feeling. One
that I have yet to adjust.
When Joseph was killed by that driver who ran the red light,
my faith was shaken. I had so many
questions for God… how could He allow that to happen? Why would He allow it to happen? What did Joseph do? What did I do? What did any of us do? Did he/we deserve this? Why wasn’t I there for him? Truth is, things happen to us. Things that can and will shake us to our
core. Things that will challenge what we
believe. Things that will challenge our
faith. And this is where I was with
this.
I asked the questions.
Again. What God? Why?
What is going on? What in the
world? What is this? Every what, why, question you could think of,
I asked it. I was discouraged,
disappointed, dismayed, etc... (Just a side
note: Whenever you start with the
feelings of dis…., you end up with dis-belief.
Not a good place to be). Anyway, I
didn’t know what to think. I did stop believing. My faith was shaken. Sunday was coming, church was coming and I
didn’t even know what to say to anybody.
I asked myself as I asked my husband (my Pastor), how am I supposed to
encourage somebody to have faith when my faith has been so shaken? And my hubby told me, first of all, it was
okay for me to be me. That it was okay
to share from a place of where I am.
That God doesn’t expect me not to feel.
But he also said this, that he also had to share from the same place
when Joseph died, when his mom died, and as he kept his eyes on God he was able
to do what God wanted him to do. Those
words stood out for me as I remembered what God spoke to me earlier that
morning. He kept his eyes on God. He kept his eyes on God. In order to keep your eyes on God you have to
have FAITH.
God led me to His Word.
He led me 2 Corinthians 5:7, We walk by FAITH, not by sight. And then God reminded of a devotional I read
back in 2013. I took a note from it that
I journaled that says this… “We don’t walk spiritually by an electrical light,
but by a hand-held lantern. And a
lantern shows only the next step, not several steps ahead. Our walk is one of faith, step by step,
moment by moment decisions.” I spoke
about this last Sunday in a reflection, but imagine if you will… light. Everywhere.
That means everywhere you look you can see whatever is there. God says that is NOT faith. Faith is the substance of things HOPED FOR,
the evidence of things NOT SEEN. So if
you can see it, it is NOT faith.
Now imagine this… there is no light. Everything around you is dark. You CANNOT SEE anything. But if you have faith a light shines exactly
where you are. Right where you are. In that moment. In that spot.
Ahead of you is still dark. But
where you are is light. God says that’s
faith. NOW FAITH IS. FAITH IS NOW.
God says He gives us faith for the moment. NOW FAITH IS.
We don’t have to worry about what is going to happen ahead of time. The Scripture says do not worry about what
will happen tomorrow. Sufficient for the
day is the evil thereof. Our walk of
faith is a moment by moment, step by step, decision. God is with us every step of the way,
lighting the path. He is in the
future. He is already there. And He stands ready to provide whatever we
need for that moment when we get to it. We
just need to operate in our RIGHT NOW faith.
I don’t know what is going to happen with my brother. I yet believe that God is good. I yet believe that he is in God’s hands. I yet believe in the report of the Lord, that
by His stripes he is healed. I yet
believe that absolutely nothing is too hard for God. I believe that He is a God of miracles. And I make the decision to walk by faith,
step by step, moment by moment, trusting that when the next moment comes, God
will be there, giving me the faith that I need to get through it, in whatever
way that will mean.
Because God is real and so must my faith be.
A servant of the Lord,
Sis. E
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